| [ |
mood |
| |
 numb |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
none |
] |
Here we go again, months, maybe years since I wrote in this journal and it's always been due to sad news.
I've been having trouble sleeping, smilying or just being abble to content.
I had such high hopes for this year, learning a new language, getting my drivers licence and loosing all the extra weight, those were my principa 2006 resolutions, everything was looking better to me as my father finally decided to stop smoking, I was blind to see the beggining of the end.
I remember that at the end of last year dad's voice got much less lower, at my birthday, I had to put my ear near his mouth as it was almost silent, he didn't feel any good but wouldn't tell us.
In the middle of January I was taking driving classes to which he took me, with migranes and dizziness but again, he would not tell us, my vacations consisted in accompaning my dad to each and every doctor we were led to, he took some X-Rays and on Feb 1st, 2006 I knew the worst, my mom had called me the office to tell me my dad was very ill, he had many tumors in his brain, the chest and many other places, I could not control myself, I cried the hole day but didn't leave the office, I called Abdiel in the morning crying to PLEASE keep me company, co-workers didn't know nor asked to the reason of my red teary face, Abdiel tried to calm me down saying that that's an if, there was hope so I needed to focus on that. He would not leave me alone that day.
From that day on, the hospital tour began, the first one, the most in-expensive hospital we could find, as he had no insurance, my dad stayed 5 days there just to get a biopsy wich was a total faliure, we were able to get him out the day before his birthday, that week, we were all shaky, as usual, the little thing are the ones you miss most. My dad always fixed thing, my mom couldn't reach the shower head so my dad helped, he took me every morning to work or any place I needed to be and yes, always rescuing me from rainy days and late work nights and my sister slept with him each night. I remember he entered on a Sunday on which every member of his family in Chile decided to call just to see if he was checked in, what was happening and everything, I was trying to get a hold on my boss telling him that I would work on Sunday so I would be with dad the next day, we needed to distract him for ill thoughts, that's where the desire for family games started, everyone tried to help, my mom, my sister and I took turn to who would take care the next day, Miriam (my "nany") ever offered herself to keep company when necesary even though she knew he didn't like her so much since the day he say Paulie (my sister) hanging very dangerously from the balcony when she was supposed to be taking care of her (this happened more then 20 years ago).
Dad was out on the 9th, a day before his 60th bithday, at home I saw him taking everything the hospital let in him and it impressed me so much, he was bitten up, he had brusses from all the times the nurses had to pinch him to put his medicine.
The next day, Feb 10th, we told dad, hey, anything you want; we had dinner at Costa Azul, 7 of us, mom, dady, Paulie, Roly, my grandmother from my mom's side, Abdiel and me, them we could not see it, when whe revelead the pictures, he looked so sad, so worried, maybe he was thinking, my last supper with my family?.
The second hospital was the Gorgas, the one specialiced on Cancer, that was even more painful, dad was there to get the biopsy, he thought he would be out in a week but it turned out wrong, as it is a state hospital, many people were a bigger priority than him, the walls began to close on him, he didn't even want to take a bath there. He became so mad, he treated mom wrongly, when I arrived from work (yes, from Feb 1st, after work, all I did was go to the hospital or shall I say hospitals), to continue, it was a Friday when dad started yelling in his low voice, "I'm going to call the press, you're keeping me here against my will, YOU WANT ME TO STAY LOCKED UP IN HERE FOREVER!!!", 20 min before that my mom was waiting for me outside as she couldn't take it anymore, me?, That last one hurt me so bad I didn't even say goodbye, I left the room, took the elevator and ran towards the car, I just started crying and couldn't stop, I didn't even notice my mom was still in the hospital waiting for me, while I was waiting for my mom, the keeper came a bit near and tried to consol me but it just made it worse, strangely, as my father was, he walked to the window where he could see the car and asked me if I was OK, of course not, I treated him badly, mom and I were so mad we arrived late the next day, Paulie went to the hospital first in which she learned my dad sayed to wanting to kill himself, she was very worried and called the priest (he's a very, very old friend of my dad, he was the first person to give him a job when he arrived in Panama), finally, I arrived and it was a bit better, the next week, I asked to be off, to stay with dad, he had the biopsy and on the next Thursday we had the news, but we had to make contacts, phone call to have a clear, undertandable response, the status was: "Neoplasia Pulmonar, pobremente diferencial de celulas grandes", I won't forget the diagnosis. My dad wanted to be present at the diagnosis but maybe God knew what he was doing as he was picked up to get some fitting for his head.
That day, the doctor told me that on the best case scenario, my dad could only have 6 months, told me everything that could happen if we even do a thing to take care of his illness.
My uncle Gaby, the one he hated (it was mutual), became very involved, even visited him at the hospital; he called me at the 2 minutes of finishing with her and had to ask to give me 5 minutes, it was too hard, the only good news we had was that he was coming home the next day.
At home, we were preparing for radiotherapy, it consisted of radiation to the brain, it was so awful, he cried almost every night, he asked for one of us to keep him company, sadly on a day in which I watched a program with doctors, they showed cancer, therapy and he was like a child, hurt in every little thing possible.
One of his brother came to visit with his wife just when he started chemo, he knew he had to show him around but after the failure of the first night he almost dying to get into the restaurant, we decided to keep everying at home, I that Abdiel for showing them around the city so my mom could take care of my dad.
What I admire from my dad during that period, was that even though he had trouble walking, he acompanied me to practice driving in the four runner, a stick shift car, it hurt but he did it, if I went out, when I came back, he was dressed and ready to go.
Now, comes the part everything came broke down, on a Sunday morning, 6 am, I don't remember what I was dreaming, but I just said very scared and loudly PAPI!!, my bead sheet landed on the floor, I ran and Paulie followed me, and in the living room floor we found our dad laying there hurt and unable to get back on his feet, he landed face down and we two turned him over, he had a big bruise on his forehead, he hit the fan's leg and his was blooddy, we tried picking him up but couldn't, mom came down and took care of him while I was calling the Ambulance, mom and Paulie had to move the cars and I stayed with him, he was thirsty but all we could give him was a little ball of cotton with a bith of water, once the paramedics came, it was hard to get himm out the door and teh angle was difficult, once they got him in the ambulance, Paulie went with them, when they left, I went to my bead and my blood preassure was dropping, 5 minutes later, I cleaned up everthing, the living, the dining room, the dishes, my shoes, my mom then gave me a sedative which was not a very good idea.
We took him to the Gorgas but they couldn't attend him because it was a broken hip, they didn't treat that so an ambulance took him to the state hospital (the third one in 2 months), it tok 16 hours for him to get a bed since he fell on the floor. Again, that day, Abdiel wouldn't leave me alone, how was it possible, why so much pain in such little time.
My dad had to beg the doctors just to operate him, he was a very high risk, chain smoker, overweight, senior citicen, he spent two weeks in there, the first week, my mom took care of him as whe was on her vacation, as always he was nasty. The second week I took care of him, I did much more than I ever thought I would, my grandma came almost every day to bring him soup as it was the only thing he wanted to eat.
The last Friday, my dad was taking to surgery because of a letter my grandma wrote to the doctors as they still didn't want to operate on him, well, I stayed in the waiting room, I heard someone say my fathers name and it was on uncle of my mother's who wanted to see him after the suregery, then the anesticialogist came and told me of the risks, after all of that I just asked her to send him a message, "KISSES", he loved his kisses, after the operation, the same doctor came out and had a messeate for me from my dad,"LOTS OF KISSES", he was a lot happier that afternoon, but at night, he becam a pain again, as he had to use a special pillow to separate his legs and bothered for us to take it out, the nurse that night told us that he treated her badly, at least being a nurse she understood why.
on Saturday, a doctor told him he could go after an exam result, he thought we were leaving that day but was not possible, on Sunday, he had the OK to go back home, we called Abdiel and Roly to help us get him inside the house. Couriously, the electricity failed that day and had to take a passage way to use an elevator that was working, downstairs, my mom was waiting in the car (the 4 Runner, as it was the tallest one for his leg, he could not force it), my poor dad had to stand the smoke from the car, mom drove on 30 miles per hour while Paulie, Abdiel and Roly got a wheelchair.
Mom, dad and I arrived first at home but the grey car was bugging, I parked it infront of the 4 runner and dad was proud that I did a good job.
When the rest got home, it was another problem to get him up the first seven stairs, the adrenaline kicked in and those three carried my dad to the terrace, ther we took a break and had lunch, my mom was happy to have him back home, he, eventhought hated Abdiel, had a nice lunch with him and was thankfull for all he did, had a nice conversation, after the meal he was very tired, and wanted to sleep, then we moved him to our bedroom as we didn't want anything more to happen to him, I didn't stay in the bedroom much as I was sick and didn't want to affect his inmune system, mom and dad were alway barking at each other, once I entered the room and he was asfixiating, we did something with the pillows that helped him.
The next morning, the three of us were back at work, dad demanded for each and everyone of us to give him his kiss. It just took an hour for him to leave this world on April 10th, 2006, the day the world stopped, Paulie called me and repeated be calm, be calm, Roly is going to pick you up, I just thought, the Hospital again, when she said, DADDY LEFT, I didn't quite set in, at the momment when I was asking permission from the Administrative boss I said, "I'm sorry, I need to take the rest of the day off and my father just DIED", I said it withou thinking and that's where it hurt, she took me to the conference room and they let me die, ther was another of the bosses who was worried, and he acted right away, I just started crying, pouring my soul out, after 15 min, I packed my things and left with Roly, I didn't speak, I just was numb, I couldn't check my surroundings.
Once I arrived home, there was my mom at the entrance all teary eyed and Paulie a bit more called, it took me an hour to go to my room as he died there, when I finally entered, I gave his the real kiss he wanted and said good bye, 2 hours latter people took his body and cremated him. 5 hours more, we picked him up, incredible a person that weighed so much was just a bunch of dust in my hands. Lizzy visited me right away, Karo came to the rossary we had at night and also the non catholic was there, and Marielle just held me when I needed to cry.
The next day, even thought he wans't very known (to our knowledge), the church had a croud, it was just so painfull, I couldn't belive it.
The sad part was that I knew it, I was afraid of holy week as my greatgrandmother died that week and now my dad did too, things don't happen to me just because, from Feb 1st, I knew it, and dad kept saying, I'm afraid I'm going to die in a hospital, at least it was at his home where he wanted to be, he stopped eating since the therapy, he was very skinny).
I just wanted to write a few lines but that's not possible, the scenario comes to me every day and night, and lunch, watching TV, I recently got a new great job and am not happy, my mom got out of the operation succesfully I was content but not happy, I have a drivers license and am not happy.
I wonder when will it be OK again, I almost don't laugh, my smiles don't last long, happy momments aren't here anymore.
I'm just too broken hearted, I can't feel much anymore.
|
cranky
full
happy
sick
surprised
content
devious
blank
hungry